I'm not ready..

Simply.. I'm just not ready. I haven't been ready and it's been months. I am not ready to talk about it. I am not ready to go through the pain. I know you can't control it. I know you can't deny it. I know you can't escape it. And I know you can't run away. No matter how hard you try.

I have no advice on how to feel better. I know I die inside a little more every day that passes and I can't step out of this darkness. I know too, that without help, without someone to talk to, it only gets darker. So maybe that's the key. Having the closest person to you there to listen, or maybe not listen — talk. Maybe I'm tired of talking, though in honesty I never did start talking so I'm not sure I can say I am tired of talking. But I can say, I am tired of feeling. I go from the deepest wounds to being numb, and honestly speaking I don't mind numb sometimes. But it wears off and that stabbing, tearing, ripping at my heart pain comes back and there is only pain again.

I feel selfish. I have a most wonderful son and I love him more than life itself. That should be enough. But the human side of me can't stop this brokeness that is me. I am immersing myself in the most painful of music, which only sends daggers through me all over again, but somehow I suppose.. it's like my feelings are being sung to me by these different artists. I guess that is my comfort. That maybe, somewhere, someone might be feeling like me (selfish..) even if not for the same reasons, only they are better at talking about it than I am.

It cuts so deep. The loss. But I can deal with that, sort of. It's the aloneness that I just can't seem to handle. It's funny, I can see myself judging myself for my feelings and I'd never think that of someone else. Crazy.

My pain is my own. My wounds are my own. Therefore, I suppose, the healing should be my own too. I guess I just wish that when it came right down to it, the things I don't say would be the ones that get heard and responded to without a complete breakdown. I guess, I am having an off day. I guess too, that this pain is a result of my own not dealing with my thoughts and feelings.

Do you ever just want to go off some place and just be completely alone some place remote where you could just sit and be? I do. I wonder if sometimes I place too much burden on my own shoulders to go it alone. But then I realize, I can't talk about it, so it is then, to be alone. The sad part of that insanely worded statement is, I am not alone. But I have imprisoned myself because there was no readily outstretched hand from the only person that could walk this path with me.* That is to say, there is only 1 person that I WANT to walk this path with me. Too caught up are "they," a collective "they." As there are others who could be supportive, but aren't.

In the end, I guess if it is I who is not ready to scream out and beg for the support I need, then it is on me to take this road alone. I suppose it is an honest statement to say that I am resentful of that fact. As I have most often been the one to know and act when someone else was in a position of pain. Also as others claim to be intuitive and claim to be good friends, great-listeners, and the like. But when it comes down to it, I always seem to walk alone.

Random rambling on and on. Forgive me, it's 4:30am and I haven't slept. It has been a miserable time for me this month.

To you my blessed one — by my estimation, you should have been coming home with me this week.. and I can't tell you how much I wanted that. Want that. I think about you so much. I can't tell you how much you mean to me, and my heart breaks not knowing what could have been. I can't begin to say how much I want to be with you and how sorry I am that we aren't.

I am so sorry we aren't.

Nice idea - Beauty Challenge

I was blog-surfing and ran across a wonderful idea. It's simple really, to help bring back some sort of beauty into my life I decided to give it a shot. 7 Beautiful Things. The challenge is to find 7 beautiful things, post them and write a little about why they are beautiful. It seems primitive doesn't it? But sometimes finding beauty in things when we aren't feeling in a beautiful spot is really difficult. I already have a site dedicated to finding inspiration but this is a little different. So I've decided to take up the challenge. Here's to hoping it goes well! I will post again when I have found my 7. If you decide to do this as well please drop me an email, I'd love to know what you found beautiful. I would be happy to place your items here if you'd like.

Do you want to take up the beauty challenge? Email me at: FusionGrafx@gmail.com

If you'd like to visit my other inspirational site: Intentional Inspiration *This is the main page.

If you'd like to cut straight to the posts: Day 2 Day Progress

~ Cheers!

Trying to heal

As I have been trying to grow from the pain I've suffered, I have been doing a whole lot of nothing. But I have been struggling through to make a change, to some how feel better. If not for myself, then for my husband and son. I have been listening to more music lately. The songs of healing as well as wallowing, because sometimes you just need to be immersed wholly in the feeling. To acknowledge the sadness. Give it voice. That maybe it may one day be heard and understood. And maybe released. Here is the song I've always been moved by, but now in my grieving I find it hauntingly soothing.

by Sarah McLachlan
Angel

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
There's always some reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day

I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memories seep from my veins
Let me be empty
oh and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of the angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear

You are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting
keep on building the lies
that you make up for all that you lack

It don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe
in this sweet madness
oh the glorious sadness
that brings me to my knees

In the arms of the angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear

You are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

You're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here


I suppose this song suits me almost completely, with the exception of the "dark cold hotel room" which I liken to the dark cold of my mind and heart. So often I visit sites similar to this, and everyone is so able to talk with beautifully kind and light words to describe their loss, their memories, etc. I am not at that point yet, but I hope to get there some day. So until then, I will share the dark path that I am walking, because I know that people have been there. And maybe if I share my sadness and despair someone else won't feel as alone as I do.

Working through it with music

Sometimes I just haven't the words. And it's easier to find them through music rather than pick myself clean to say those painful or heartbreaking words. For me, music has always been an intricate means for me to express myself, despite the lyrics not being my own. Each time I come across something that moves me musically, I realize that the song takes on a different meaning to me than what was intended by the artist. But it works for me. And sometimes in life, to get by, you just have to do what works. I decided than until I am able to voice my pain or grief, I will attempt to share with you some of the songs that either express the feelings I am feeling or that mean sometime to me in a way different than the song was intended. And I will start with the one that follows.

By
Chris Daughtry, What About Now..

Shadows fill an empty heart
As love is fading,
From all the things that we are
But are not saying.
Can we see beyond the scars
And make it to the dawn?

Change the colors of the sky.
And open up to
The ways you made me feel alive,
The ways I loved you.
For all the things that never died,
To make it through the night,
Love will find you.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?

The sun is breaking in your eyes
To start a new day.
This broken heart can still survive
With a touch of your grace.
Shadows fade into the light.
I am by your side,
Where love will find you.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love had never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?

Now that we're here,
Now that we've come this far,
Just hold on.
There is nothing to fear,
For I am right beside you.
For all my life,
I am yours.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love had never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love had never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
Baby, before it's too late,
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?


Based on the video, the song is about the destitute of earth, about changing the course of poverty, of suffering, about making the choice to make a difference. The song is about change and taking a stand against the wrongs in the world. A beautiful song without doubt. For mean it strikes a chord in my heart that has absolutely nothing to do with the actual meaning of the song. It brings me to a place of memory, of what could have been. Naturally it brings with it pain of loss and sadness, but reflection in turn eventually, healing. Some won't understand that but it works for me. Maybe I am not alone in the musical therapy aspect, but if you haven't tried it. Listen to some of the songs you are drawn to, maybe they are healing or soothing and you didn't know it. There is a link on the right side of the page if you'd like to see the video or hear the song.

Unsure

I very much want to start posting here, however I am not sure I am ready for all that follows a public post. It's been a rough go since our loss. Sadly, not our first. Where any loss is heartbreak, it seems some are harder than others. I'm not certain I am ready to discuss my pain in a public arena, but I do want to share or at least release some of what I am feeling. I don't know exactly how to go about that, so I am considering have a quote page, perhaps or an inspirational page for those times when your own words fail, maybe the ones here will shed some light or offer some peace in comfort to those who read them.

I will start with this one:

"Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation." ~ Kahlil Gibran

A Mourning Dove

Late at night I sit and wonder,
what does a dove so lovely mourn over?

Is it for love that's not yet found,
or maybe one that's worn and broken down?

Could it be for love that's lost?
Here you sit broken, heart cold as frost.

No, that feels more like me,
sometimes when I cannot see,
the full lush forrest whilst I wander out amongst the trees.

Is it for self that you mourn,
or is it something much more forlorn?

Perhaps you are singing songs of sadness and despair,
to show us that our world's in disrepair.

For my part I know the fate,
right now I feel I must escape,
run from all my hurt and pain,
oh please lord just let it rain.

And then you sing that haunting song,
your coo-ing makes me strangely calm.

With your song I reminisce,
on all the love in my life that I now miss.
But in the hopes one day they will return,
I sing with you that sad, sad song,
my heart unburdened.

~D. Archer