Numb.. Still..

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Since my last post, to today, I have realized I am numb where all of this is concerned. Imagine, here I am so much past the events of my loss and I don't feel "healed" in any sort of way. I can say I cry less now. But I don't like to discuss babies, I cringe when people prod about having more children. Or ask what we are waiting for. I spontaneously find myself in severe depression when I come across certain triggers. I can't hear a heart monitor without bursting into tears. Pregnant ladies fascinate me, but depress me at the same time. Watching shows where people are having babies upset me. I just, I guess I figured I'd be more evolved by now. But I have come to realize some wounds really just don't heal. I also realize that I am far less tolerant to pettiness than I once was. Trivial things strike a nerve so much faster than they had in the past. I can't explain it, but I know it's all related. Anyway, I just needed to come here and say SOMETHING.

OH! But I have learned something else about myself. I am terrified about talking about this. I can blog it here, but I won't touch this subject in my actual paper journal. I don't know if the fear of being judged is the reason, or that if I write my REAL, TRUE, HONEST feelings down they will be terrible or horrible and someone might see them. So ridiculous, but that's where I stand right now. I miss my babies. I really just don't know where to progress from here. Perhaps it's the wicked journal. I suppose we'll see.

Starting the official healing process..

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I know.. It seems strange to be here so much later.. and still be JUST starting the healing process. Of course, as we all know, it's time that is the most helpful in this process & the thing that doesn't seem to happen fast enough. But I finally had a conversation with my husband.. Yes.. SO many months & years later. It was mostly about doing something to aid in my feeling better. I felt like I just shut down and didn't truly do anything to help myself move forward. Forward, not forget.. just forward. I am a realist, and I realize that the pain will never go away. But at the same time time goes on and so must I. So rather than stay stuck, I've decided that I needed to do something to help me feel better about our loss' - all of them.

So here was my idea, actually, it was an idea posted some where out there on the all knowing internet. This is what it was, quite simple actually. For us we lost 2 babies. { This is the first time I believe I've ever said that on my blog.. on any blog really.. } I felt hollow and weak. I never know how to answer the question of.. "Don't you want more kids?" I look at all these beautiful pregnant women and feel terrible. I look at all the beautiful babies and feel terrible. Isn't that horrible?! I feel it is. I know that I don't wish them anything but the best. And I know that it's my own suffering that torments me to the point of jealousy over other people's children. But I just needed a way to be able to answer the question without having to launch into full explanation each time. I also needed a better way to answer why we don't have more kids. So this is the idea.. Name the children we lost. Pretty simple really.. But I didn't realize until just recently how important it was for me { more than my husband..} to do this.

I am glad I talked to him about it, he said he was shocked, didn't even know it was on my mind. I just said to him that no time was ever a good time to bring it up so I had to just blurt it out. So we talked some more and came up with what we would have named our 2 children, a girl & a boy. Xander Braylon is our son and Emma Rayne our daughter. I know this might seem strange, but it gives me peace to know now that we've done them the honor of naming them as any parent would name their child. I feel more of a connection to them and that they are more a part of our lives and hearts and family because we can talk about THEM not about what happened.

I finally feel peaceful. I love my children. All of my children & I want them to know that. Now I've got my current son with his 2 angel siblings watching over him. When he's old enough, perhaps he will know of them. Perhaps. For now, I am content with the steps we've taken to honor their memory.

Thank you

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It has occurred to me, that I have been very lacking in remembering all the wonderful things that have been said and done for me, especially in all my depression and sadness. I am so grateful to the family & friends that have been so kind and understanding of my moods and mindset. I am very lucky to have what I have, I haven't forgotten that. I haven't been good for thanking many of you for your friendship or good deeds, but I want to change that. It will make me feel better with luck it will let you know that I do appreciate you and all that you've done for me. Thank you so much for extending your time, efforts, comfort, and friendship to me all of the time, but especially during my dark times/moods. Without all of you I'd still be wallowing for sure. Make no mistake, I still lament my loss, but I don't expect that will ever change. I just want you to know that you all mean so much to me and that I am thankful for all that you have said or done. Thank you for all of your support. ALL of my family & friends, in person or online, old & new. You guys are the greatest!

Progress.. ?

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I had hoped to be writing this with more to show, but a little is better than none right? I still cry.. I still get upset when I see pregnant ladies.. I still feel miserable when I watch TV with little babies, pregnant women, or people talking about having another child. But, the crying is less, the negative feeling is less, and the completely drowning feeling of overwhelming misery has lifted somewhat. Yesterday I met my friend's son for the first time, all of 8 months old. It made me want one so badly, but I held him and snuggled him, and he felt so good! And I didn't feel sad or depressed about it at all. And that I consider progress. In the trials of grief, it's the little wins that make the steps forward easier. So I suppose I can say, yes, it has gotten better.

I'm not ready..

Simply.. I'm just not ready. I haven't been ready and it's been months. I am not ready to talk about it. I am not ready to go through the pain. I know you can't control it. I know you can't deny it. I know you can't escape it. And I know you can't run away. No matter how hard you try.

I have no advice on how to feel better. I know I die inside a little more every day that passes and I can't step out of this darkness. I know too, that without help, without someone to talk to, it only gets darker. So maybe that's the key. Having the closest person to you there to listen, or maybe not listen — talk. Maybe I'm tired of talking, though in honesty I never did start talking so I'm not sure I can say I am tired of talking. But I can say, I am tired of feeling. I go from the deepest wounds to being numb, and honestly speaking I don't mind numb sometimes. But it wears off and that stabbing, tearing, ripping at my heart pain comes back and there is only pain again.

I feel selfish. I have a most wonderful son and I love him more than life itself. That should be enough. But the human side of me can't stop this brokeness that is me. I am immersing myself in the most painful of music, which only sends daggers through me all over again, but somehow I suppose.. it's like my feelings are being sung to me by these different artists. I guess that is my comfort. That maybe, somewhere, someone might be feeling like me (selfish..) even if not for the same reasons, only they are better at talking about it than I am.

It cuts so deep. The loss. But I can deal with that, sort of. It's the aloneness that I just can't seem to handle. It's funny, I can see myself judging myself for my feelings and I'd never think that of someone else. Crazy.

My pain is my own. My wounds are my own. Therefore, I suppose, the healing should be my own too. I guess I just wish that when it came right down to it, the things I don't say would be the ones that get heard and responded to without a complete breakdown. I guess, I am having an off day. I guess too, that this pain is a result of my own not dealing with my thoughts and feelings.

Do you ever just want to go off some place and just be completely alone some place remote where you could just sit and be? I do. I wonder if sometimes I place too much burden on my own shoulders to go it alone. But then I realize, I can't talk about it, so it is then, to be alone. The sad part of that insanely worded statement is, I am not alone. But I have imprisoned myself because there was no readily outstretched hand from the only person that could walk this path with me.* That is to say, there is only 1 person that I WANT to walk this path with me. Too caught up are "they," a collective "they." As there are others who could be supportive, but aren't.

In the end, I guess if it is I who is not ready to scream out and beg for the support I need, then it is on me to take this road alone. I suppose it is an honest statement to say that I am resentful of that fact. As I have most often been the one to know and act when someone else was in a position of pain. Also as others claim to be intuitive and claim to be good friends, great-listeners, and the like. But when it comes down to it, I always seem to walk alone.

Random rambling on and on. Forgive me, it's 4:30am and I haven't slept. It has been a miserable time for me this month.

To you my blessed one — by my estimation, you should have been coming home with me this week.. and I can't tell you how much I wanted that. Want that. I think about you so much. I can't tell you how much you mean to me, and my heart breaks not knowing what could have been. I can't begin to say how much I want to be with you and how sorry I am that we aren't.

I am so sorry we aren't.

Nice idea - Beauty Challenge

I was blog-surfing and ran across a wonderful idea. It's simple really, to help bring back some sort of beauty into my life I decided to give it a shot. 7 Beautiful Things. The challenge is to find 7 beautiful things, post them and write a little about why they are beautiful. It seems primitive doesn't it? But sometimes finding beauty in things when we aren't feeling in a beautiful spot is really difficult. I already have a site dedicated to finding inspiration but this is a little different. So I've decided to take up the challenge. Here's to hoping it goes well! I will post again when I have found my 7. If you decide to do this as well please drop me an email, I'd love to know what you found beautiful. I would be happy to place your items here if you'd like.

Do you want to take up the beauty challenge? Email me at: FusionGrafx@gmail.com

If you'd like to visit my other inspirational site: Intentional Inspiration *This is the main page.

If you'd like to cut straight to the posts: Day 2 Day Progress

~ Cheers!

Trying to heal

As I have been trying to grow from the pain I've suffered, I have been doing a whole lot of nothing. But I have been struggling through to make a change, to some how feel better. If not for myself, then for my husband and son. I have been listening to more music lately. The songs of healing as well as wallowing, because sometimes you just need to be immersed wholly in the feeling. To acknowledge the sadness. Give it voice. That maybe it may one day be heard and understood. And maybe released. Here is the song I've always been moved by, but now in my grieving I find it hauntingly soothing.

by Sarah McLachlan
Angel

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
There's always some reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day

I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memories seep from my veins
Let me be empty
oh and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of the angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear

You are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting
keep on building the lies
that you make up for all that you lack

It don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe
in this sweet madness
oh the glorious sadness
that brings me to my knees

In the arms of the angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear

You are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

You're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here


I suppose this song suits me almost completely, with the exception of the "dark cold hotel room" which I liken to the dark cold of my mind and heart. So often I visit sites similar to this, and everyone is so able to talk with beautifully kind and light words to describe their loss, their memories, etc. I am not at that point yet, but I hope to get there some day. So until then, I will share the dark path that I am walking, because I know that people have been there. And maybe if I share my sadness and despair someone else won't feel as alone as I do.