Numb.. Still..

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Since my last post, to today, I have realized I am numb where all of this is concerned. Imagine, here I am so much past the events of my loss and I don't feel "healed" in any sort of way. I can say I cry less now. But I don't like to discuss babies, I cringe when people prod about having more children. Or ask what we are waiting for. I spontaneously find myself in severe depression when I come across certain triggers. I can't hear a heart monitor without bursting into tears. Pregnant ladies fascinate me, but depress me at the same time. Watching shows where people are having babies upset me. I just, I guess I figured I'd be more evolved by now. But I have come to realize some wounds really just don't heal. I also realize that I am far less tolerant to pettiness than I once was. Trivial things strike a nerve so much faster than they had in the past. I can't explain it, but I know it's all related. Anyway, I just needed to come here and say SOMETHING.

OH! But I have learned something else about myself. I am terrified about talking about this. I can blog it here, but I won't touch this subject in my actual paper journal. I don't know if the fear of being judged is the reason, or that if I write my REAL, TRUE, HONEST feelings down they will be terrible or horrible and someone might see them. So ridiculous, but that's where I stand right now. I miss my babies. I really just don't know where to progress from here. Perhaps it's the wicked journal. I suppose we'll see.