Starting the official healing process..

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I know.. It seems strange to be here so much later.. and still be JUST starting the healing process. Of course, as we all know, it's time that is the most helpful in this process & the thing that doesn't seem to happen fast enough. But I finally had a conversation with my husband.. Yes.. SO many months & years later. It was mostly about doing something to aid in my feeling better. I felt like I just shut down and didn't truly do anything to help myself move forward. Forward, not forget.. just forward. I am a realist, and I realize that the pain will never go away. But at the same time time goes on and so must I. So rather than stay stuck, I've decided that I needed to do something to help me feel better about our loss' - all of them.

So here was my idea, actually, it was an idea posted some where out there on the all knowing internet. This is what it was, quite simple actually. For us we lost 2 babies. { This is the first time I believe I've ever said that on my blog.. on any blog really.. } I felt hollow and weak. I never know how to answer the question of.. "Don't you want more kids?" I look at all these beautiful pregnant women and feel terrible. I look at all the beautiful babies and feel terrible. Isn't that horrible?! I feel it is. I know that I don't wish them anything but the best. And I know that it's my own suffering that torments me to the point of jealousy over other people's children. But I just needed a way to be able to answer the question without having to launch into full explanation each time. I also needed a better way to answer why we don't have more kids. So this is the idea.. Name the children we lost. Pretty simple really.. But I didn't realize until just recently how important it was for me { more than my husband..} to do this.

I am glad I talked to him about it, he said he was shocked, didn't even know it was on my mind. I just said to him that no time was ever a good time to bring it up so I had to just blurt it out. So we talked some more and came up with what we would have named our 2 children, a girl & a boy. Xander Braylon is our son and Emma Rayne our daughter. I know this might seem strange, but it gives me peace to know now that we've done them the honor of naming them as any parent would name their child. I feel more of a connection to them and that they are more a part of our lives and hearts and family because we can talk about THEM not about what happened.

I finally feel peaceful. I love my children. All of my children & I want them to know that. Now I've got my current son with his 2 angel siblings watching over him. When he's old enough, perhaps he will know of them. Perhaps. For now, I am content with the steps we've taken to honor their memory.