Starting the official healing process..

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I know.. It seems strange to be here so much later.. and still be JUST starting the healing process. Of course, as we all know, it's time that is the most helpful in this process & the thing that doesn't seem to happen fast enough. But I finally had a conversation with my husband.. Yes.. SO many months & years later. It was mostly about doing something to aid in my feeling better. I felt like I just shut down and didn't truly do anything to help myself move forward. Forward, not forget.. just forward. I am a realist, and I realize that the pain will never go away. But at the same time time goes on and so must I. So rather than stay stuck, I've decided that I needed to do something to help me feel better about our loss' - all of them.

So here was my idea, actually, it was an idea posted some where out there on the all knowing internet. This is what it was, quite simple actually. For us we lost 2 babies. { This is the first time I believe I've ever said that on my blog.. on any blog really.. } I felt hollow and weak. I never know how to answer the question of.. "Don't you want more kids?" I look at all these beautiful pregnant women and feel terrible. I look at all the beautiful babies and feel terrible. Isn't that horrible?! I feel it is. I know that I don't wish them anything but the best. And I know that it's my own suffering that torments me to the point of jealousy over other people's children. But I just needed a way to be able to answer the question without having to launch into full explanation each time. I also needed a better way to answer why we don't have more kids. So this is the idea.. Name the children we lost. Pretty simple really.. But I didn't realize until just recently how important it was for me { more than my husband..} to do this.

I am glad I talked to him about it, he said he was shocked, didn't even know it was on my mind. I just said to him that no time was ever a good time to bring it up so I had to just blurt it out. So we talked some more and came up with what we would have named our 2 children, a girl & a boy. Xander Braylon is our son and Emma Rayne our daughter. I know this might seem strange, but it gives me peace to know now that we've done them the honor of naming them as any parent would name their child. I feel more of a connection to them and that they are more a part of our lives and hearts and family because we can talk about THEM not about what happened.

I finally feel peaceful. I love my children. All of my children & I want them to know that. Now I've got my current son with his 2 angel siblings watching over him. When he's old enough, perhaps he will know of them. Perhaps. For now, I am content with the steps we've taken to honor their memory.

Thank you

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It has occurred to me, that I have been very lacking in remembering all the wonderful things that have been said and done for me, especially in all my depression and sadness. I am so grateful to the family & friends that have been so kind and understanding of my moods and mindset. I am very lucky to have what I have, I haven't forgotten that. I haven't been good for thanking many of you for your friendship or good deeds, but I want to change that. It will make me feel better with luck it will let you know that I do appreciate you and all that you've done for me. Thank you so much for extending your time, efforts, comfort, and friendship to me all of the time, but especially during my dark times/moods. Without all of you I'd still be wallowing for sure. Make no mistake, I still lament my loss, but I don't expect that will ever change. I just want you to know that you all mean so much to me and that I am thankful for all that you have said or done. Thank you for all of your support. ALL of my family & friends, in person or online, old & new. You guys are the greatest!

Progress.. ?

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I had hoped to be writing this with more to show, but a little is better than none right? I still cry.. I still get upset when I see pregnant ladies.. I still feel miserable when I watch TV with little babies, pregnant women, or people talking about having another child. But, the crying is less, the negative feeling is less, and the completely drowning feeling of overwhelming misery has lifted somewhat. Yesterday I met my friend's son for the first time, all of 8 months old. It made me want one so badly, but I held him and snuggled him, and he felt so good! And I didn't feel sad or depressed about it at all. And that I consider progress. In the trials of grief, it's the little wins that make the steps forward easier. So I suppose I can say, yes, it has gotten better.