I'm not ready..

Simply.. I'm just not ready. I haven't been ready and it's been months. I am not ready to talk about it. I am not ready to go through the pain. I know you can't control it. I know you can't deny it. I know you can't escape it. And I know you can't run away. No matter how hard you try.

I have no advice on how to feel better. I know I die inside a little more every day that passes and I can't step out of this darkness. I know too, that without help, without someone to talk to, it only gets darker. So maybe that's the key. Having the closest person to you there to listen, or maybe not listen — talk. Maybe I'm tired of talking, though in honesty I never did start talking so I'm not sure I can say I am tired of talking. But I can say, I am tired of feeling. I go from the deepest wounds to being numb, and honestly speaking I don't mind numb sometimes. But it wears off and that stabbing, tearing, ripping at my heart pain comes back and there is only pain again.

I feel selfish. I have a most wonderful son and I love him more than life itself. That should be enough. But the human side of me can't stop this brokeness that is me. I am immersing myself in the most painful of music, which only sends daggers through me all over again, but somehow I suppose.. it's like my feelings are being sung to me by these different artists. I guess that is my comfort. That maybe, somewhere, someone might be feeling like me (selfish..) even if not for the same reasons, only they are better at talking about it than I am.

It cuts so deep. The loss. But I can deal with that, sort of. It's the aloneness that I just can't seem to handle. It's funny, I can see myself judging myself for my feelings and I'd never think that of someone else. Crazy.

My pain is my own. My wounds are my own. Therefore, I suppose, the healing should be my own too. I guess I just wish that when it came right down to it, the things I don't say would be the ones that get heard and responded to without a complete breakdown. I guess, I am having an off day. I guess too, that this pain is a result of my own not dealing with my thoughts and feelings.

Do you ever just want to go off some place and just be completely alone some place remote where you could just sit and be? I do. I wonder if sometimes I place too much burden on my own shoulders to go it alone. But then I realize, I can't talk about it, so it is then, to be alone. The sad part of that insanely worded statement is, I am not alone. But I have imprisoned myself because there was no readily outstretched hand from the only person that could walk this path with me.* That is to say, there is only 1 person that I WANT to walk this path with me. Too caught up are "they," a collective "they." As there are others who could be supportive, but aren't.

In the end, I guess if it is I who is not ready to scream out and beg for the support I need, then it is on me to take this road alone. I suppose it is an honest statement to say that I am resentful of that fact. As I have most often been the one to know and act when someone else was in a position of pain. Also as others claim to be intuitive and claim to be good friends, great-listeners, and the like. But when it comes down to it, I always seem to walk alone.

Random rambling on and on. Forgive me, it's 4:30am and I haven't slept. It has been a miserable time for me this month.

To you my blessed one — by my estimation, you should have been coming home with me this week.. and I can't tell you how much I wanted that. Want that. I think about you so much. I can't tell you how much you mean to me, and my heart breaks not knowing what could have been. I can't begin to say how much I want to be with you and how sorry I am that we aren't.

I am so sorry we aren't.